Another Prick in the Wall

Friends, The Swill hasn't been lax, hasn't been smirkingly disrespectful of our duties to you, The Reader. No, in fact our silence comes from a place of profound respect: for your delicate sensibilities, your unerring nose for quality, and your admirable lack of patience for Low Standards. We're sad to say that we've had nothing to say that would pass your tests; you've repaid our kindness with your resounding silence.

We are, therefore, pleased as punch to offer some new thoughts from none other than Chirch Van Crash. You remember Chirch -- decorated combat veteran of the 82nd Airborne, heavily laureled semi-professional athlete, homebrewer, and Doctor of Philosophy -- from his thoughts last Veteran's Day, and we're pleased to offer him a forum for his thoughts. - The Swill.

Hellooooooooooooooooo People!

Been a long time since I've had an inkling to say much of anything, at least publicly, about politics and/or the “thieves, thieves and liars...murderers, hypocrites and bastards” (to borrow the timely words of Alien "Al" Jurgenson) that run this world. But yesterday's bullshit breakdown of common sense and fairness demonstrated by the PAC 10 officials in the Sooner v. Duck game has driven me from that comfortable place called College Football Fandom back into the real world.

And what a fucking horrible place it is.

Moving from ESPN.com to NYT/ CNN/ FOX/ GOP.com has left me depressed, maniacal and hating god, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed more than ever. (Please feel free to include any other cock-sucking deity you prefer. They all suck cock [cf. Deadwood – The Management.]. I ask, though, that you NOT include any of the Egyptian, Greek, or Roman studs who endorse[d] excessive drinking and carousing. Ass fucking, too, but more on that later.)

The specific piece of shite that's attracted my attention this week is the way we, the U.S.A., have decided that the best way to demonstrate our success in Iraq – Baghdad in particular – is to build a wall around it. “Look into my eyes, oh you patriots of America, and repeat after me. ‘Walls are a goooood thing. Walls keep baaaaaad people out so people on the inside can live in freeeeedom. Freeeeedom. Freeeeedom.’” I mean, what the fuck and why not? The Chinese built one and look how free they are. Kept out those horrible Mongols so today's folks get to kick it in Tiananmen Square. The Jews threw one up around Warsaw to keep out Nazis, right? How happy, free and safe they lived. Oh yeah, nothing says freedom like death from cholera and starvation.

The Soviets had the metaphorical Iron Curtain and look how sweet it was for the Hungarians, Poles, East Germans, etc. Oh, wait. The East Germans had one of their own. What about North Korea? Another awesome place where people live in freedom, enjoying lives of excess and luxury. I guess we can call the 38th parallel a “wall,” don't ya think? They might even have a, holy shit, BOMB! Now THAT is freedom. What about the smart muthafuckers in Mordor? How fucking awesome was it that the Orcs and whatever/whoever the fuck else lived there figured out the best way to keep those pesky Elves and Hobbits from preventing its residents living in peace, freedom and prosperity was to build a bad-ass walled citadel to ensure those nasty fuckers would be kept in their place.

And don't forget (Oh yeah!) that we're on the verge of building OUR OWN WALL down south Mexico way. Fuck'n A! Nothing says "FREEEEEEEEEDOM" like an electric fence and a shoot-on-sight, shoot-to-kill policy. Well, Maybe Mel Gibson, but he's on the outs these days. Man, I really wish I lived in Gaza or the West Bank. Those entrepreneurial Palestinians have it right with THEIR wall. Maybe they'd let Braveheart time share in Ramallah? I'm pretty sure he “gets” it. Oh how lucky the two Israeli soldiers in Gaza are to be on the inside. What are the odds? It's like they won the Freedom Lottery!

You know, though, the best way to look at this is through the long term. After all, Disneyland, has a wall. Build the Baghdad Wall, hire some of those Freedom Lovers from Sadr City to work the entries, and charge everyone admission! Do you suppose it would cost more to get in or to get out? Fuck it. Charge a fortune regardless since we'll have to pay the gatekeepers. Hell, once the Wall's up they'll have to PAY to live in freedom, right?

“Oh, what's that Jamal? You have children you can't feed because you have to pay rent and you're not making enough working the gate? Well, it just so happens we need a few more kiddies for the Ramadan fireworks show this weekend. Have them put on these vests and show up outside the Mosque at 8PM, Friday. Press the button at 8:30 SHARP. They can wear these funny mouse-ear hats, too. But we want them back after the show.” Mmmmmmmm-- hmmmmmmm!

Did Jacko have a wall around Neverland? He sold it, right? I think he's now enjoying the freedoms of the Middle East, Motown style. Maybe MJ and John Mark Karr could hook up for some fun with freedom luv'n Macauley Culkin? Word is he doesn't have a whole lot going on these days. Then again, there is that age thing. If I were a bettin' man I'd put my money on the likelihood that Jackson and Karr prefer their friends’ hint-of-stink to be more akin to pee than man sweat. Unless, of course, he's been hittin’ the cabbage in OKC, spending the night in freedom behind the wall of the Oklahoma City jail. I've seen freedom from that side. It totally smells like piss.

Well, I guess that's it for today. Back to reality. I plan on building a wall made entirely of Red Delicious cans around my television. That'll leave me in the enviable position of being free to watch the NFL, free from interference by my roommate, AND it'll demonstrate my commitment to the environment: I'll be recycling! And tonight? With all the good karma I'll be getting by living free and being “Green,” I'm gonna find me a peace-loving hippie and ass fuck her until her brains spill out her ears and shit comes out her nose! Behind MY wall, of course.

Hope she doesn't have one. If I burn it down I'll have to fuck a corpse. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.... Crunchy on the outside, mushy on the inside: Baghdad Double Stuff; a desired commodity of freedom lovers everywhere.

Chirch van Crash