Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Things Lighthearted

Dear friends, you know that we have a wide variety of interests here: when you tune in, you expect to be regaled with reflections upon everything from wainscoting to handwoven tweeds, frothy pints of Kentish ale to untranslatable passages from Juvenal. We love it all, and we love you for loving it with us.

If in recent days we have become unattractively petulant, perhaps even abusive -- to you, of all people -- we apologize, and after a few brief moments of housecleaning we promise you nothing less than useful advice of a cheerful nature. In order to get the predictable business out of the way as quickly and efficiently as possible, we're going to abandon our usual lambent prose and just get right to the fucking points.

Item:
Upon learning that Z. Moussaoui will get no Texas justice, and will instead spend the rest of his life in prison, Dubya announces that "Evil will not have the final say."

If he's right, we only hope that the final say will go to Stephen Colbert, who actually and thankfully wasn't funny at all: I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me just what the fuck is so risible about secret prisons, torture, global climate change, and a foreign policy based entirely on greed, photo-ops and depleted uranium.

Evil was unavailable for comment.

Item:
A 19-year old Harvard student plagiarizes her novel, the plot of which concerns a young woman's triumphant admission to Harvard, after learning that what she really needed to do was loosen up, get frisky, and have some fun.

First of all, we believe we're the first to note that this was also roughly the plot of Risky Business, wherein a wealthy kid from a good school gets into Princeton only after learning that Ivy League admissions respond better to blow jobs than they do to SAT scores. (Apparently admissions officers also respond to rich kids who hire expensive admissions consultants after not attending public school but rather "Public" school in a cool Scottish way, which is how Kaavya Viswanathan got in, but that's for another post).

Yes, she plagiarized passages such as these (no, we're not going to cite where we got this comparison, because we're metaplagiarizing):

From Megan McCafferty's Sloppy Firsts: "Sabrina was the brainy Angel. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: Pretty or smart."

From Miss Viswanathan's book: "Moneypenny was the brainy female character. Yet another example of how every girl had to be one or the other: smart or pretty."

Seriously, does this sort of thing trouble you? Are you worried about what kind of message this situation sends to America's youth? Do you think it suggests a certain moral or intellectual decline?

Because if you do, you're a fucking idiot.

You're a fucking idiot like the Harvard undergraduates who flooded the Crimson with letters pointing out that Viswanathan also lifted passages from The Princess Diaries. What's offends us is not that a 19-year old would plagiarize -- god forbid we were ever held responsible for what we did in our 19th year -- but that America's putative academic elite have memorized a novel that our ten-year old niece recently described as "too simple to be interesting" (true story, we kid you fucking not, etc.).

Want your kids to enjoy an inspiring bit of realism that carries a useful lesson? Tell them that by virtue of the fact that they're your kids born into your family in your class, they've already missed out on all the statistically significant ways of getting into a first-tier private university. If that depresses them, just point out that society will probably collapse before they would have had a chance to matriculate.

Okay, friends, having wiped that out of the literal cracks in our figurative floor, we have our first installment of a series (nota bene, we've abandoned our idea for a Baedeker to American Paleoconservatism: we realized a few days ago that the project was starting to feel dangerously like work). This week?

Liquor One Can't Afford Not To Buy

Say it with us, friends: The Grand Macnish.

A Scotch whisky that has been distilled continuously since 1863, but that is (much more significantly) to be found in your local CVS pharmacy, and never for more than $7.99 per 750 ml bottle. It's warm, well integrated, a classic Highland malt that requires neither branch water nor ice nor stockbroker for full enjoyment. Toffee and leather on the nose, hints of heather and lilac on the finish.

Ever wonder how Dewar's might taste if they didn't spend all their money on full-page ads in Maxim? Ever suspect that collie-piss Glenfiddich was expensive Scottish revenge on Americans who turned tartans into comfortor covers? Ever have only $8 in your pocket but a rather more refined palate than you thought satisfiable for under a sawbuck? Here you go.

Tell 'em the Swill sent you (purely figurative, we're not guerrilla marketers or anything).

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I almost spit collie piss all over my laptop screen on this one, Swill. Fortunately I was able to choke it down the right pipe.

Not sure I share your fortitude to buy liquor at CVS, but I daresay you've a finer palate for Scotch than I. But in the bargain-hunting spirit, allow me to recommend the recently released 2004 Dom. Pepière Muscadet Sèvre et Maine Sur Lie Clos des Briords Vieilles Vignes: citrus rind and minerals atop a profound white perfect for shellfish risotto. It will even age if you've somewhere better to store it than above the stove. World-class wine for ~$12 per bottle.

4:10 AM  
Blogger squeezychortle said...

Someone should write The Prince Diaries and change the book into a first-person love advice book for teen girls written by Prince. There'd be a whole chapter just on tongue-flicking.

And I'd like to hear/see the Swill's gun and rifle buying advice, given the nigh Apocalypse.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Kenneth Burns said...

Back in the day, I think I used to buy Evan Williams bourbon at the Cork & Bottle for $6.99. Can't say it's a good bourbon, but after the first 375 milliliters, who cares?

11:54 AM  
Blogger Swill to Power said...

kenneth, if you could get "375 milliliters" to scan, it might well make a fantastic country song.

My favorite bourbon in this category requires two more dollars than the Evan Williams, and as we all know it's not the first two dollars that's tough to come by it's that last two dollars. Or something. I'll be reviewing it in future editions.

I do hope readers take these for what they are: earnest recommendations for genuinely quality hooch to be enjoyed responsibly or irresponsibly as the sovereign individual sees fit, stuff you might serve to guests without feeling like a cheap prick.

Consequently, our dismissal of another even cheaper member of the Scotch category, Clan Macgregor, which is truly horrible stuff. Clan Macgregor: When only a violent blackout crowned by the shouting of "I'll gut you like a trout" at strangers will do.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Swill to Power said...

squeezy, we will consider your request re: the owning and using of firearms in anticipation of the apocolypse or anything else. This is a complicated business upon which we have many thoughts, but may have to eschew irony for the telling of them.

12:42 PM  
Blogger Swill to Power said...

JWF: "Dom. Pepière Muscadet Sèvre et Maine Sur Lie Clos des Briords Vieilles Vignes."

Drink it? I'd be fucking floored if I could say it.

Granting half-tit for tat, may we say that we recently enjoyed a 2004 Barton & Guestier Vouvray, purchased at CVS for $5.99.

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, Swill, spare us the "foreign languages are hard to pronounce" bit, Mr. "Only a fool thinks he can understand the subtle distinctions between geisteswissenschaftlich and naturwissenschaftlich in anything but the original German." Perhaps the Swill has been drinking a bit too much of that "occasionally made from grapes" CVS wine.

(I am impressed that Vouvray makes it to drug store shelves. Who the hell knows what Vouvray is?! And 2004 is a fine Loire vintage, as I hinted.)

Speaking of guns, I thought you'd be pleased to know that I used your high muzzle-velocity rifle in an example of about momentum and energy conservation in class a couple weeks back. Somehow the topic of whether an ethical being could take pleasure in the hunt did not arise.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2004 B&G Vouvray? This undermines everything we thought we knew about the Swill's bougie wino tendencies. However, cheap liquor is a favorite topic - please consider adding product reviews as a regular feature.

4:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This is a complicated business upon which we have many thoughts, but may have to eschew irony for the telling of them."

Eschew irony? The mind fairly boggles.

8:28 PM  
Blogger Swill to Power said...

Indeed, irony historically has a way of eschewing one preemptively.

But we will indeed take up the suggestion for product reviews in the future. Please feel free to submit suggestions for products you'd like to see us evaluate, and we'll get a team on it directly.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back when I was in undergrad (ah, the halcyon days of 2002), my booze of choice was a handle of Heaven Hill "bourbon" for $9. It could last the weekend and also made one pray for death in the wee hours of post-party mornings. It could also strip industrial adhesive.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quid referam quanta siccum iecur ardeat ira, cum populum gregibus comitum premit hic spoliator pupilli prostantis et hic damnatus inani iudicio?

4:15 PM  
Blogger Swill to Power said...

Too true, and thank you for this. For, after all, quid enim salvis infamia nummis?

2:51 PM  

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